So this post has been sitting in my "drafts" folder for a good
two weeks. I kept debating on whether or not to post it. I know I
shouldn't, but it's hard not to care about what people are going to
think about me (or my current mental state.) But then again, it
is my
blog, not anyone else's, and I should be writing for me! As a personal
journal about my life... or at least, that's why I started a blog in the
first place. So here you have it, judge me if you want ;)
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It's been a while since I've posted, but not without good reason...
School has been totally kicking my butt
again
this semester, however, I only have a few more months, and then I'll be
done forever!! Hallelujah! And, I can live with that, or can at least
push through...
My Mom was here in UT last weekend. One
of my cousins was going through the temple for the first time, and
since we can't be here for his mission farewell over the Thanksgiving
weekend, she came to show our family's support...
But you see, my
Mom was secretly here on a double-mission! The first being the
aforementioned familial support, and the second being the re-building of
my own, personal spirit.
I'm pretty sure it's safe to
say that everyone here on earth goes through trials and hard times. And I
don't think what I've gone through is any worse (or even comes close
to) the struggles of others. But there are times when your spirit is
low, and you become more susceptible to believing in those negative
thoughts that sneak creepily into your mind about the kind of person you
are, your talents, or lack thereof, the direction of your life, and
even the quality of your character.
It started a few
weeks ago, when one of my roommates was telling the rest of us about a
funny dream she'd had the previous night... She said we were making a
movie to introduce our apartment to the ward, and we were filming each
other doing the things that we love, or are talented at. She went on to
list the different things each girl did, she continued and said "and
then it panned to Chelsey with her Diet Coke..." And we all laughed
because, let's face it... I DO drink a lot of that goodness. But,
secretly, my feelings were a little hurt. And not by anything the girl
said on purpose, but I just wanted to be like,
"You know, I've
lived a whole seperate life that you have no idea about before I came
here, I'm not 19 like you girls, just starting out, and I happen to have
talents too..." But that would have been petty; and I know they weren't
trying to be mean,
and partly, it's my fault, because I don't
really talk much about myself or my prior experiences to them... But I
was still a little hurt, nonetheless.
Fear and doubt
continued to creep into my being as I questioned whether or not I really
was good at anything... All of the things I thought I already had down
pat seemed to be continually out of my reach. And so the frustration
continued, and built. And I felt myself going back to this place I had
sworn off; the place where I don't really feel like putting myself out
there, or making new friends; where I mentally restrict myself from
putting down any roots because I continually view myself as being in a
transitional phase... this life here in Provo isn't forever -- just for a
bit. It's a safe place, but I really despise it. I don't want to just
bide my time, I want to enjoy each day and experience!
Back
to the original reason for this post... By the time my Mom got here, I
was in bad shape. (and she could tell) The night before she flew in, I
was on the verge of a minor break down, when I remembered this tip I'd
learned (probably in a magazine somewhere...) The tip says that you
should write down everything that's bothering/worrying you before you go
to bed so those toxic thoughts don't keep you from getting a good
night's rest -- and then when you wake up in the morning (with enough
sleep to deal with the day), you have the energy, and a better mindset
to tackle those worries. So I made myself a list, thinking that I'd work
each item out the next day. And it really did help! I was able to go to
sleep faster than if I hadn't have made the list, and would have viewed
those thoughts on a repeating reel in my mind.
So my
Mom and I sat down on the beds in our hotel room. And one by one, she
went through every item on the list with me until we had talked and
figured out a solution that I was comfortable with. I cried a lot, and she cried with me, which filled my heart with enough gratitude I thought it would burst!
How in the world did I luck out to have her as my Mom?? Without her
love, and constant voice of encouragement, I would surely never have
made it through even my first month in Idaho! And look -- here I am,
halfway through my second adventure of being completely on my own. I
just couldn't believe how quickly she erased my self-doubt, and how much
I
needed her to build me up, yet again.
The
entire weekend was thereafter devoted to having fun, and girl-time, and
love, and family, and shopping, and good food, and Diet Coke
(Mountain-Dew for Mom), and a mini Gossip Girl marathon... it was so
perfect, and just what I needed to carry me through 'till Thanksgiving.
I guess I want this to be a shout-outs of sorts, so those of the cyber-sphere can know the amazingness of my Mom. (and yes, I'm aware that's not a real word...) I also want it to be a note to myself (the present, and future me) of what it means to be a mom, who doubles as a best friend. And lastly, I want it to serve as a reminder of the blessings I
do have, of all I have to be grateful for.
Because I have some pretty wonderful people sprinkled in my life -- and really, what more can you ask for?
