So this post has been sitting in my "drafts" folder for a good two weeks. I kept debating on whether or not to post it. I know I shouldn't, but it's hard not to care about what people are going to think about me (or my current mental state.) But then again, it is my blog, not anyone else's, and I should be writing for me! As a personal journal about my life... or at least, that's why I started a blog in the first place. So here you have it, judge me if you want ;)
It's been a while since I've posted, but not without good reason...
School has been totally kicking my butt again this semester, however, I only have a few more months, and then I'll be done forever!! Hallelujah! And, I can live with that, or can at least push through...
My Mom was here in UT last weekend. One of my cousins was going through the temple for the first time, and since we can't be here for his mission farewell over the Thanksgiving weekend, she came to show our family's support...
But you see, my Mom was secretly here on a double-mission! The first being the aforementioned familial support, and the second being the re-building of my own, personal spirit.
I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that everyone here on earth goes through trials and hard times. And I don't think what I've gone through is any worse (or even comes close to) the struggles of others. But there are times when your spirit is low, and you become more susceptible to believing in those negative thoughts that sneak creepily into your mind about the kind of person you are, your talents, or lack thereof, the direction of your life, and even the quality of your character.
It started a few weeks ago, when one of my roommates was telling the rest of us about a funny dream she'd had the previous night... She said we were making a movie to introduce our apartment to the ward, and we were filming each other doing the things that we love, or are talented at. She went on to list the different things each girl did, she continued and said "and then it panned to Chelsey with her Diet Coke..." And we all laughed because, let's face it... I DO drink a lot of that goodness. But, secretly, my feelings were a little hurt. And not by anything the girl said on purpose, but I just wanted to be like,
"You know, I've lived a whole seperate life that you have no idea about before I came here, I'm not 19 like you girls, just starting out, and I happen to have talents too..." But that would have been petty; and I know they weren't trying to be mean, and partly, it's my fault, because I don't really talk much about myself or my prior experiences to them... But I was still a little hurt, nonetheless.
Fear and doubt continued to creep into my being as I questioned whether or not I really was good at anything... All of the things I thought I already had down pat seemed to be continually out of my reach. And so the frustration continued, and built. And I felt myself going back to this place I had sworn off; the place where I don't really feel like putting myself out there, or making new friends; where I mentally restrict myself from putting down any roots because I continually view myself as being in a transitional phase... this life here in Provo isn't forever -- just for a bit. It's a safe place, but I really despise it. I don't want to just bide my time, I want to enjoy each day and experience!
Back to the original reason for this post... By the time my Mom got here, I was in bad shape. (and she could tell) The night before she flew in, I was on the verge of a minor break down, when I remembered this tip I'd learned (probably in a magazine somewhere...) The tip says that you should write down everything that's bothering/worrying you before you go to bed so those toxic thoughts don't keep you from getting a good night's rest -- and then when you wake up in the morning (with enough sleep to deal with the day), you have the energy, and a better mindset to tackle those worries. So I made myself a list, thinking that I'd work each item out the next day. And it really did help! I was able to go to sleep faster than if I hadn't have made the list, and would have viewed those thoughts on a repeating reel in my mind.
So my Mom and I sat down on the beds in our hotel room. And one by one, she went through every item on the list with me until we had talked and figured out a solution that I was comfortable with. I cried a lot, and she cried with me, which filled my heart with enough gratitude I thought it would burst! How in the world did I luck out to have her as my Mom?? Without her love, and constant voice of encouragement, I would surely never have made it through even my first month in Idaho! And look -- here I am, halfway through my second adventure of being completely on my own. I just couldn't believe how quickly she erased my self-doubt, and how much I needed her to build me up, yet again.
The entire weekend was thereafter devoted to having fun, and girl-time, and love, and family, and shopping, and good food, and Diet Coke (Mountain-Dew for Mom), and a mini Gossip Girl marathon... it was so perfect, and just what I needed to carry me through 'till Thanksgiving.
I guess I want this to be a shout-outs of sorts, so those of the cyber-sphere can know the amazingness of my Mom. (and yes, I'm aware that's not a real word...) I also want it to be a note to myself (the present, and future me) of what it means to be a mom, who doubles as a best friend. And lastly, I want it to serve as a reminder of the blessings I do have, of all I have to be grateful for.
Because I have some pretty wonderful people sprinkled in my life -- and really, what more can you ask for?